Tag Archives: profession

You Know You’re a Bartender When…

1. You have nightmares about breaking glass in the ice bin.

2. Phrases like “nice stir” or “mean double shake” are the greatest praises you can receive.

3. You frequently pontificate on the history of the margarita.

4. You use phrases like “mash bill” in everyday conversation.

5. You get giddy over a shipment of new glassware.

6. You find yourself at your bar even on your night off.

7. You double all numbers and refer to them in “proof”.

8. Your heroes are other pasty skinned persons who hardly see the light of day and are largely unknown to the general populace.

9. You shudder at words like “Malibu”, “Goose”, and “Bacardi”.

10. You inwardly delight when informing guests that you can’t make that drink with vodka instead of gin.

11. You’ve seen the sun rise each morning for as long as you can remember.

12. You crack esoteric jokes using bar jargon and expect laypersons to understand them. E.g. Q: “Why can’t bartenders stay faithful?” A: “Because they’re surrounded by cheaters.”

13. You sleep with a copy of Imbibe under your pillow.

14. A 50%+ tip is customary to you.

15. Getting charged for drinks has become largely foreign to you.

16. You refer to your bar’s owner as “my owner”.

17. You say things under your breath like, “That was maybe a six count, at best..” when watching other bartenders free-pour, then go on to espouse the virtues of the jigger to anyone who’ll pretend to listen, despite what Dushan Zaric may have to say on the matter.

18. Phrases like “dry shake”, “big jigger”, “two-to-one”, and “tipples” don’t sound even vaguely sexual to you.

19. You’re barely buzzed after eight shots.

20. You have a prepackaged response for when Mom asks you why you haven’t gone to law school yet.

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